SEX, SEASONS & SWIMMING SUITS
When we wrote The Story of Marriage, one of the central ideas we wanted to convey is that every marriage is unique. While we build our unions according to universal principles outlined in God’s Word, every expression of these principles is one-of-a-kind! And not only is each marriage unique, but each season of marriage is also unique. As King Solomon wrote:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…
—Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV
—Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV
If everything in life is seasonal and time is tied to every purpose, then sexual expression in marriage is no exception. Each and every year is a collection of four seasons, and we believe each marriage is as well. So today, let’s examine sex in light of this concept.
For illustrative purposes, we will liken each season of sex to a decade of marriage. Let’s designate the first ten years of marriage (for an average couple, ages 28–38) as the season of innocence and new beginnings we know as spring.
This first decade is a season of expectancy and discovery when you enter life with a new sexual perspective. What was dormant in your time of passionate waiting is now awakened in the spring of your marriage. You are both still discovering who you are as individuals and what it looks like to do life together. Every aspect of your sexual life together is fresh and new.
If you are planning to raise a family, more than likely this will be the season in which you experience the joys and challenges of pregnancy. Your sex life will look and feel different with children in your life. Be nurturing of your children and at the same time nurture your intimacy with each other. Invest in one another. Put the children to bed early enough to have time together. Share the load so you can share more than sleep in your bed. Talk openly with your spouse about your needs and concerns. Sometimes just saying, “I miss our intimate time together. How can we make it happen?” will go a long way toward dismantling any frustration.
Be intentional in your first decade to discover one another’s intimate needs. Do not allow any sexual patterns to develop that either of you may grow to resent later on.
Summertime is always the best of what might be.
—Charles Bowden
If spring embodies hope, summer is vision alive and breathing. Life is so full in this season. Career paths are pretty well chosen by now, and you probably know if you are going to be parents. You will have to make time for intimacy to happen amid the busy sunshine of school, extracurricular activities, and careers.
We discovered in our decade of summer that sex was best attempted in the afternoon. We were always too tired at night, and during the day when the boys were outside or at school was better than leaving it to chance in the evening.
Summer is a season when everything can grow quickly, including weeds. Do the work of keeping your rows clear of the overgrowth that can come out of familiarity. Continue to water what is healthy in your intimacy and it will grow even faster because you already have a decade of trust composting your soil.
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
—Albert Camus
We love this! Rather than trying to recapture your youth when summer ends, celebrate your autumn. So far autumn is our favorite season of all. We find that in this season, intimacy once again has more room in our lives. We are no longer doing homework with children or attending school or sporting events. We have more time for each other.
We are even now writing out the things we want to do in this autumnal decade so winter doesn’t take us by surprise. One of those things is to take care of our sexual health by caring for our bodies with a healthy diet and regular fresh air and exercise.
Too many couples disconnect in the autumn of life. When their children move out, spouses discover they are living with a stranger. In this decade we all have a choice. We can mourn the loss of what was or choose to be excited about what will be. We encourage you to see this season as a chance to remake your marriage. You can become like newlyweds once again, except this time you will be both older and wiser.
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
—Albert Camus
We’re not going to lie, getting old looks hard and extremely unfair. John’s parents did it well. Even though they weathered some health challenges, their commitment to walking, exercise, and regular meals with friends kept them spry, and the two cuties slept together in a double bed—by choice.
Aging is best done together, and sex is magnificently beautiful when expressed in seasonal timing. The author of our seasons verse in Ecclesiastes went on to say, “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11 KJV). The right thing in the right season is beautiful. We want to age well together and dance to the rhythm of our season.
One last example for thought. Speedo bathing suits are great for the Olympics, but I (Lisa) look away when I see old men in them. What once served the purpose of propelling you through the water with speed is unnecessary in the season of the relaxed swim and the float. The point is to never stop swimming. You don’t cease to love water just because you no longer look good in a bikini. Swimming and sex are both fun in every season; it is just that they look different with the passing of time.
I started out in the spring of our marriage sporting a bikini, then moved into our season of summer as a mom in a one-piece. In our current season of autumn, I am all about board shorts and tankini tops. Who knows, as this next season called winter approaches, I just might wear a skirted bathing suit. But I will not stop swimming.
We may not swim as often as we did in our season of spring, nor swim mindful of the presence of our children like we did in our season of summer. But we will swim in our autumn and winter of life. In so many ways, sex is our eternal summer.
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